I give you Rob Zombie!   

So I was taking a shower yesterday and I totally forgot all about this...BUT:

Apparently, according to herbal essences, there is a gem that is said to increase your love life.

Now, upon further investigation, the gem is Diamonds and it just got me wondering:

If you need a gem to improve your love life...then obviously something is wrong! I mean your love life is what you make it isn't it??

A diamond isn't forever...hell I think its stupid if you rely on a gem to increase what love your partner has for you already is a bit messed up cause it indicates that someone may be alittle too materialistic.

If you give a diamond to increase the love in the bubble...think of what you'll have to come up with late on in life to top that diamond...INSANITY!

Personally if materials are what got the other person to love you in the first place, someone should cut the ties soon before that hole that's burning through your wallet and pants, burns through your heart too.

Course this is my opinion...I dont mean no disrespect to anyone! =]

This is what I will remember about relationships til my wedding day:

-A girlfriend/boyfriend will always be temporary.

-A fiance will be a major flame in your life for a long time.

-And your true wife or husband will be your everlasting love...

After releasing a pain from you that you would feel so much more better...WRONG.

I just feel shittier than yesterday. I feel sick too.

There's nothing to do anymore...no one to go to...I kinda just wanna lay low by myself for a while.

You know, just do things by myself. I think Friday I may just go to the movies alone...Just to make me somewhat happy.

Then come Monday, I start Sac so that may get my mind off stuff I guess...I GUESS! WHATEVER!

I feel like bloody ass shit right now...I feel like just crawling into that grave Michael is making if it means feeling better.

Its kinda sad too...this is the first relationship where I never ever want to cheat or betray.

SERIOUSLY...I feel that Michael pushed me away for WoW...

I told him from when I first found out that he gamed that the day he starts playing WoW I would leave him...

But you know me...I love his so much that I thought I could put up with it...WRONG!

So tonight was the night before he leaves for Arizona...He'll come back on Friday.

I really wanted to play Counter-Strike Source with him but the partial fault of mine was that I forgot to download it but really...DONT FUCKIN ACCEPT TO PLAY WITH ME IF YOU KNOW YOU CANT!

THAT IS JUST DICK!

I'm not kidding. I asked him to play CS with me but he was too busy playing WoW so I waited til he was done which was 10 by the time and then after I told him I forgot to dl CS he said that his parents were yelling at him to sleep early.

IF HE KNEW THIS HE SHOULDN'T HAVE GOTTEN MY HOPES UP!

He always does this...Gets my hopes up and then crushes then...

I'm tired of getting let down.

I didn't even get to go to the movies with him last night like we planned. It's not fair...ITS ALWAYS SOMETHING

THERES ALWAYS SOMETHING...HIS PARENTS...HIS FRIENDS...OR HE JUST FORGETS.

WHY DOES THIS HAPPEN TO ME!

Apparently the youngest uncle of my family in Singapore tried to commit suicide recently.

With the death of my grandma still lingering, alot has actually come into the light of what that maid that they hired did to this family.

Back in Singapore, its common to have a maid from other countries and this maid took my uncle for a ride.

On top of her monthly salary of about $240 Singapore money, she forced my uncle to pay an additional $50 as weekly pocket money.

Now, my uncle has the lowest....LOWEST paying job in the family back there and this maid drove him into so much debt that he maxed out all his credit cards by over $100.

My uncle lives in such a tiny apartment with another uncle of mine and the only way the family found out about the debt was when debt collectors hounded the youngest uncle and his brother told the whole family on top of willing paying for all his debt.

When two of my aunts found out, they rushed over and just chewed him out for it.

Even more saddening was the news that in order to pay a FRACTION of what debt he had been hiding before the brother stepped in, the youngest uncle pawned off nearly all my grandma's jewelry including two bracelets that were left for my aunts by her wishes.

My uncle was soo saddened by what he had done that he ran outta the apartment to jump off the balcony but my Aunty Rose stopped him in time.

Its really sad to know that my cousin who just visited me not even a week ago knew about all this and didnt even tell us.

My whole family is on edge over there now for fear that my uncle will just hang himself. In theory, my mom did see his sadness over taking him coming forth but she didnt know that the maid that we all treated so nice and fair and kind would just steal from us.

The maid apparently stole cash from my grandma too. All the money that we put in her account, my uncle gave to appease her and all the cash we gave my grandma as pocket money for when other relatives came over she stole blind from her. That maid was so cruel to my grandma too.

There were rumors that she was abusing my grandma and it turned out to be true when my aunt paid a random visit and she got so upset.

My grandma wouldn't dare talk much with the maid there but she was soo happy those few times when the maid was gone and it was just me, her and my mom.

I'm just really worried right now. This family collapsed after grandma's death and I fear that the next time I go back, it'll be more for a funeral than a family visit.

OMFG THE BLOOD!

So let me just say that the process felt PHENOMENAL the first half of the day then it started to hurt.

When they injected that IV in me...OMFG EUPHORIA. I could feel it travel through my veins and it felt nice...cold and numbing but nice.

And then the sedative was GOD...took like 5 minutes for the 2 high doses to kick it but damn it did its job nicely. I just remember the nurse sticking something in my mouth and inserting a gas tube to dry my mouth out and then I just blackout and it felt so short...

I was sooo high on that stuff that the ground was nice and soft and everything was cold...

OMFG...SO MUCH BLOOD THOUGH! =[[[

DAY ONE OF RECOVERY STARTS! =]

Yeah I cracked I guess.

I've been so depressed lately that cutting wouldn't even do anything if I tried. I cry randomly and no one is there to help me.

I fear that maybe I may have to see a doctor about this one day.

What hurts more is that tomorrow I go in for my wisdom teeth removal with no bf...
That pisses me off more than anything. He always fucking does this to me and it just makes me wanna just call everything off.

I've been working on this little stand that I bought from Ikea and I hate it but no one will help me with it so I have to be the one and step up.

I'm so depressed I dont even want to go boarding. I hate this. All I do is work on the stand and clean and I'm really just fed up with doing all this alone.

No one is even here to listen so really...posting this is no point but oh well...

So upon yesterday's little luncheon that turned into massive memory recalling, I've learned that I'm WAAAAAAAAAAAAY better sticking to Michael's group of friends verses my old group with a few exceptions for Sam, Jen, Iona, and Krista.

I was talking to Iona and Sam about Alicia and how she's just gone downhill from it all. That girl is disgusting. I felt so sorry that Iona and Sam had to put up with her bullshit but damn...girl's gotta get told off someday.

Alicia apparently invited Iona and Sam to her little bday vacation at her parent's timeshare and holy fuck I'm happy she stays away from me.

So they go to the timeshare and so much shit went down. She threw temper tantrums the whole time and refused help when she knew she needed it. They told me that she bragged about how much better she was at swimming and when Sam beat her she threw a fit. Mind you she's HUGE and she wears a bikini. OMFG her hygiene is just aweful. She goes commando all the time...thats just disgusting. Iona found that out when they went shopping once. And then she has no respect for herself or self esteem! She invited this older family friend over....mind you its 3 girls ALONE, no parents, and one OLDER man who offered FREE massages to them ONLY. Again another scarring event which I wont say. It was a disaster to the two. I feel soo sorry for them.


Now onto Jake...WHOA SO MUCH HAS CHANGED according to Krista. He's been apparently mooching off more than usual.

Apparently he still hasn't gotten a permit LET ALONE A LICENSE. Which means, I'm officially better than him cause I'm taking my permit test sooons! But anyway...things have been BAAAD.

So aside from that, Krista also told me about how he is just so damn lazy to get his act together. All I can say is WOW...REALLY?!

She also told me that she had to force Jake to find some form of job any way possible. She too is tired of driving his sorry ass to and from Alta Loma or Chino. Wow, he's just a dumbass too.

At one of Krista's gigs, he air humped her while she was on stage and she still is pissed about it. He constantly plays the victim and he even came close to starting a fight with her bandmates at one of their practices.

His jokes grow old and he never can take no for an answer. The group is finally slowly seeing what I saw so long ago.

HAHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAAHHA FINALLY THEY SEE WHAT I SAW SO DAMN LONG AGO!!!!!!!

So yeah...I dunno why Lauren puts up with it. We're ALL just waiting for it to end and for her to move the fuck on.

Honestly no one is happy that he's going and dating within the group but whatever.

He's so damn desperate that he may even bum rides off me to get to college. ME!!! And he hates me...wahtever. I won't help him. What has he ever done to help me!? NOTHING!

I dunno what he'll do come college because everyone's schedules are different and really...I hope I dont see him AT ALL at Mt. Sac....he cause go fuck himself!

(Just in case NONE here understand where I'm coming from...I urge you greatly to watch this video: http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/779-The-Second-Annual-E3-Hype-Massacre This guy is absolutely positively a grade A all the way...and YES I do disagree on some of his critiques but HE MAKES VERY GOOD POINTS!)

OMFG I CANNOT EXPRESS MY DISAPPOINTMENT AT SONY AND MICROSOFT! OH THE AGONY!!!!!!

You see dear children I blame all this present bullshit on NINTENDO. YEAH that's right...go fuck yourself Nintendo...

I can say with hatred that Nintendo and that abomination to gaming...TRUE GAMING EVERYWHERE...yeah that thing children go bonkers for...THE WII....that contraption and the company have ruined gaming.

If Nintendo never made the Wii then Microsoft and Sony wouldn't be trying to compensate with Xbox's Project Natal and Sony's little pet Eye Toy...

And I thought Sony and Microsoft were so smart too...I take it back I guess....

RAAAAAWWWWWRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


I found a theme for my first fashion collection...CHEMICAL WARFARE!!!

Zomg!!!!  Caution tape!  Biohazard!  Chemical Sighs!  Barcodes!  Serial Numbers!  *currently really outta it due to stress*

I'm SOOO SHOOTING FOR THE MOON HERE!!!! 8DDD

So I woke up this morning a bit....a little over a bit pissed off at Michael.  I thought when he said he would be back in 2 hours....that meant 2 hours....not I'm gonna stay the night at Jeff's...

You know I wouldn't be sooo pissed if you had just told me that you were gonna spend the night.  I waited so long by the computer (wow...that sounds soo desperate) but he never came back so I said fuck it about 10 last night and went to bed. 

Woke up with a text from him and I totally was like...SO HAH BITCH...I'm ignoring your ass....

So needless to say last night was pretty damn sad for me.

I dreamt about her again.  I miss her and I wish that we were closer to each other.  Needless to say that I still love Dom but I'm happy that she's happy....kinda...she's having it rough and I wish I could help her in some way but alas...she's feels too bad to let anyone help.

SOOOOO....

Who's bday is coming up!!!!!  *pokes Chibi*  YES I MAY COME SINCE IT ON THE WEEKEND!!!  Maybes sleepovers? *puppy eyes*

I'm soo looking forward to seeing Chibi again~  I'm more excited for this than prom only because its the closest friends I haves!!! 

God I miss cosplaying...I know I'll be rushing for AX...Chibi...help meeee? XD

In even more lighter news...I'm sleeping over at Kraig's house for a party!!!!  YAY~~~~
My one issue is that I gotta unhook Valon (My 32 inch tv) and Domsy (Xbox 360)....pain in the arse but I guess its worth it right?

Hmmm, I dunno what to do about Michael though, he's picking me up with Jeff i think and ugh....it ticks me off when I think about last night.  
Watever, in watever game we play, I'm just gonna try to fuckin kill him...even if he's on my team cause Halo and Gears i think let you.  I'll take out all my frustrations and then MAYBE I'll feel ok.  Or maybe I"ll just jump into the pool and try to drown myself in my sorrow by being alone.  Yeah, one of those for sure cause its a burning temptation to just punch him in the face for that.

Wait...I have a PSP...HUZAH!!!!!

So, you know how you want everything that has to deal with you only to stick with you if it deals with you?  Yeah....I wish that....I wish that ALOT!

My parents...bug me to death!

Whenever I ask them...nicely btw...they never let me solve my problem by MYSELF!  I find that my mom loves to try and do everything when I can handle it perfectly well.  I hate it.  It bugs the shit outta me and god I wish she could take a hint and leave me the fuck alone!!!

Why can't she be like my dad...he knows when to back off and when to shut up and when to just not enter my personal bubble in general.  SMART I SAYS....SMART!!!!!!

UGH UGH UGH and she's always asking me redundent questions.....REDUNDENT!!!!!!

I love my parents but damn they bug the shit outta me that I could just shoot myself dead and they'd still be talking away and chewing my ears off!!!!!!!!!

So Michael and me played Halo on Wednesday...boy do I suck bad at it!  I was like...WTF direction?!

Yeah, its pretty fun...I'm trying to play it on my own to try and get better so I can move onto Halo 2 but OMG...I bit off more than I can chew.

When we played together, we had the co-op game set to Heroic mode.  When I started to play alone, I thought that maybe for kicks and giggles I would play on Legendary mode...ZOMG EPIC FAIL!!!!!!!!

I keep dying at the first wave of Covenant.  I can get through maybe a little tiny bit over half the wave but I either run outta ammo or I just die cause I just do?

Whatever...I'm getting better at it slowly but its just taking time...time.....TIME!

So in Fallout...I'm like soo near action but I just can't take the talking!!!! 

THE TALKING NEVER ENDS....all they talk about is boring boring boring shit!  And its nighttime so I cant really do anything!  UGH!!!!

I need to focus and i try but dammit its hard when all they do is TALK!

Sometimes I just wish I had the ability to fix this house that is falling apart on me...

This fuckin house that no one cares a shit about...that needs this and that to be fixed every second...

I wish my parents could do more to it at times....

Damn my fuckin life...I'm just sitting here staring at the razor...I might as well not care anymore.

"Just alittle more; come on and satisfy me
Just alittle more; come on and terrify me
Just alittle more; come on and satisfy me
Take my life and then I'll be ok..."

So Michael has been asking me what significance would the tattoo that I really want be to me.  And so I've made this journal to explain and even if he never reads this....At least others can understand why I chose to engrave these words on me.

I've finally figured out what I POSSIBLY want on my other ribcage and what I want to do with the wings.

I've decided to tattoo a whole chorus on my from one of my favorite songs by Escape The Fate.  So here is what There Is No Sympathy For The Dead means to me:

My Right Ribcage:

"So take the medicines
To quench the pain we have
And walk until the end
Until you've reached the sand..."

--> Numb the hurt and just continue on til the end.


My Right Shoulder Inside The Wing:

"A hundred thousand wings
Soaring through the sky
At intense speeds..."

--> Freedom to me would be the sky

My Left Should Inside The Wing:

"We can't catch with our eyes
You hear the sounds
Of a third carried out..."

--> Most can't see what I see but there exist those out there unseen to the world.  This is more towards my sense...

Under the Left Wing:

"Just Wait...
You Hesitate..."

--> Take all you can before you lose it.  Cherish it for it will all be gone one day.


My Left Ribcage:

"I have the remedy
To this poisonous kiss
I struck the glass
It shatters bones in my fist..."

--> Everytime I have the answer, I somehow lose it or I throw it away.  I shatter myself to try and break free of my curse,

My Left Wrist Encircled:

"There's No Sympathy For The Dead..."

OMFG...PAINT EVERYWHERE!!!!

So for Senior Service Day, Mike's group and some of my friends volunteered at the women's shelter...FUCKIN EPIC DAY!

We were split up into groups and I had Matt, Krista, Iona and sadly Eric.  Mike, Alex, Jeff, and Greg went off together which made me kinda depressed in the beginning.  We all were worried for Krista though, she wasn't feeling well and she actually fainted so for the most part, we FORCED her to do the least amount of work.

Our group had to paint these edging boards white and I must say...BEST JOB EVER!  Matt made it soo much fun.  He started out little paint war and omg....it was all over.  In my hair and face, all over the side of my neck, and all over my spirit shirt.  I loved today.  I had great fun helping out!

I got him back though, we were covered with the most paint me and Iona had a run against each other once.  She got me with the roller on my chest and I got her with the roller on her back.  

I gotta admit though, today I saw a side of Matt I've barely seen since I've met, he was HAPPY. 

So I'm like really tired...so tired I fell asleep on the bus.  Matt was nice enough to let me use his shoulder.  I really gotta owe it...I was rather depressed in the beginning of all this and he really made my day!  Thanks Spiffy...I owe you alot :D